Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will not ship until the second quarter of 1902.

• 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
• STATE-OF-THE-ART - Any computer you can't afford.
• OBSOLETE - Any computer you own.
• MICROSECOND - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
• G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
• SYNTAX ERROR - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
• HARD DRIVE - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
• GUI (pronounced "gooey")- What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
• KEYBOARD - The standard way to generate computer errors.
• MOUSE - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
• FLOPPY - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
• DISK CRASH - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
• SYSTEM UPDATE - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
• POWER USER - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
• BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
• BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
• BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
• CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
• COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough studying.
• CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You *&@$$#% piece of garbage!"
• DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for several hours.
• DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you get a new computer.
• ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
• EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
• FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
• FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see chips).
• HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
• IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
• MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
• PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
• WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

 Sung to the tune of Rawhide...

 Loading, loading, loading,
 Damn this Java coding,
 Feeling of forboding, Reload!
 The Applet says it's running,
 And that big grey block is stunning,
 But the screen remains as blank as my mind
 Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
 Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on,
 Still off-line! Reload!
 Try it now, Still not up!
 Netscape crashed, What, again?
 Boot it up, Log it in, Reload!

 Tighten, tweakin', smoothin,
 They say the codes improvin',
 So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?
 I'm tired of all this waitin',
 Just give me .gif animation,
 This code is only good for wasting time,
 The applet says it's running,
 And grey block is quite stunning,
 But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

 (Midi solo)
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
 beep,beep

 Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
 Net goes down, Dial back!
 Logging on, Still off-line!
 Reload!
 Try it now, Still not up!
 Netscape crashed, What, again?
 Boot it up, Log it in,
 Reload! Reload!

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return" Unfortunately, the software worked.

                     $$$$$$$$$$$$$
                    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
                    / $$$$$$$$$$$$
                   /     $$$$$$   \
                  |         |      \
                  |         |       |
                  |         |       |
                   \       /        |
                    \     /\       /
                     -----  \     /
                              ---

This scrotum has been sent to you for good luck.  It has been
sent around the world nine times so far.  You will receive
good luck within four days of beholding this scrotum.

Send copies to people who have wasted your time with chain-mail.
Send a C.C. to their spouse and their mother.  Perhaps they will
also appreciate a LARGE ATTACHMENT.  Don't waste this opportunity!

The scrotum must leave your hands in 96 hours. Send TEN copies to
EACH chain-mail loser and see what happens!

Soon, they will lose interest in wasting your time with chain-mail.

This is a reusable scrotum.  Feel free to save it for future use.
Nobody has ever reported an email scrotum that has gone stale.
Good luck....

I heard that if you play the Windows 98 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows 98!

It was a busy office where a computer going down would cause quite an inconvenience. One of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

While my friend was going online, his ten-year-old daughter snuck up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Two little girls were talking. One said to the other: "I'm never going to have a baby. I hear they take nine months to download."