Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word indefinitely in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his hand raised in the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's got a filthy mouth and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies,"Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely.

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down transportation was stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that that sentence was too much like the other one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way.

So there's Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks "Well, maybe he really does know the answer", so she calls on him. Little Johnny stands up and says,

"As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

Little Johnny is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess. He goes up to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in your pants right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group".

Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made, so she asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa" answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall scum bag!!"

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "Yeah!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

The father says, "But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

The father asked, "What's the fucking difference?"

And Little Johnny replied, "That's exactly what I said!

Little Johnny is late to class one day and the teacher asks him where he has been.

He replies " I've been down by the creek sticking cherry bombs up frogs asses."

"You mean rectum" corrected the teacher.

"Yeah" says Little Johnny, "Wrecked 'em all right, it blew 'em into little pieces!!"

Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their boots and gloves.

Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes". She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes".

Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.

Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"

One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going to play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she would blindfold the first student and give them something to eat and they had to guess what it was.

She gave the first student a slice of apple and said "What do you taste?" "An apple", the student said. "Very good" says the teacher. She gave the second student a slice of pear and said "What do you taste?" "I'm not sure." said the student, so the teacher gave him another slice. "Now do you know?" asked the teacher. "I think it's a pear" the student said. "Very good" says the teacher.

The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's Kiss. "What do you taste?" asked the teacher. Now this student saw that by not knowing, you get more of the same, so she said "I'm not sure." Sure enough, she got another piece. "I'm still not sure." she said after eating the second piece. The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and said "Here's a little clue. It's something your mommy gives your daddy before bed."

From the back of the line Little Johnny shouts "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"

His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why do we need to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because everybody's sleeping!"

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

The teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."