Q. What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A. Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering
wheel.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A. When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A. A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a Dalmatian?
A. A Dalmatian knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

Q. What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
A. Respect.

Q. What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
A. They're all slime.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q. Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A. To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q. Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral
disability.

Q. What's the difference between a baseball player and a lawyer?
A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

Q. How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q. How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many can you afford?

Q. What do you call an honest lawyer?
A. An impossibility.

Q. What is black and white and looks good on a Lawyer?
A. Tar and Feathers

Q. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A. Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.


Q. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A. He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q. Why didn't the doctor pay the rent on his outhouse?
A. He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic
waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to pick first.

Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A. About three pounds, including the urn.

Q. What's the difference between an lawyer and a dog?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to pave a driveway?
A. One if you drop him from high enough.

Q. How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
A2. No.?  Good!

Q. What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff with two
empty seats?
A. A damn shame.

Q. What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A. A good start.


Q. How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A. You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A. Never enough.

Q. Why do lawyers like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. How do you know an lawyer is lying to you?
A. His lips are moving.

A. What do you do if you see a drowning lawyer?
Q. Throw in his wife and kids.

Q. Why are lawyers like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What do you need when you have three lawyers up to their necks in cement?
A. More cement.

Q. What's black and brown and looks good on an lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. How many first year lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None - it's a second year project.

Q. Did you hear that lawyers have found a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q. What do you do when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Get more sand.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A. Because after they die, they lie still.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Q. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A. Because deep down, they are all nice guys!!!!

Q. What is worse than 50 lawyers nailed to the bottom of a garbage truck?
A. Forty nine lawyers nailed to the bottom of a garbage truck.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A. Your Honor.

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A. It's called, Sosumi.

Q. Why did God invent lawyers?
A. So that realtors would have someone to look down on.

Q. What are lawyers good for?
A. They make used car salesmen look good.

Q. Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt?
A. He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer.

Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A. The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
A. The bucket.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A lobotomy.

Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.

Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...
A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled.  When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A. Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.