I was talking to a man at a bar the other day who looked depressed.

I asked him what was wrong, and he proceeded to tell me that he had found his wife in bed with his best friend.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"I beat the shit out of my old lady!" he said.

"What did you do to your best friend?" I asked.

"I drug his ass outside, whacked him with the newspaper, and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!"

The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells. "You need more tail."

The father yells back "Fuck You, I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite".

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this, bitch!"