There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

Q. - After thinking long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, which one did he marry?

A. - The one with the biggest tits.

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl at the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Hell, that IS something to celebrate! Let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No thanks. If 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It says that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor.

The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies "She choked."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my dick inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his dick - not a scratch on it!

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"

The small white guy says "Thank God, I thought you said"Turn around".

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, What the heck, I really want a drink. So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, What's the name of your penis? The guy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. The gay bartender says, I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?; The man to the left, with a smile, looks back and says, TIMEX. The guy asks, Why Timex?; The fella proudly replies, Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on ticken!

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, So, what do you call your penis?; The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1" and he then adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and claims, The name of my penis is SECRET; now give me my beer. The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The guy says, because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!

A doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

"About your wife's blood test," he says, "due to an administrative error I'm not sure which sample is your wife's. Depending on which is which, she's either got AIDS or alzheimer's."

"So what can I do about it?" says the guy.

"Well," says the doctor, "send her out for a walk. If she comes home, don't fuck her."

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"

"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua"

"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes"